Sometimes You Just Need to Cry

I've spent my weekend as I usually do, running.Those of you know me, know I don't mean literally. I mean on the go. Saturday was spent going to a book sale, shopping for a Christmas present, taking lunch to a friend, cleaning up puppies at the Humane Society, going to see Craig at the nursing home,then back to the Humane Society to return an adorable dog I had taken to see Craig. I did not put my slippers on and prop my feet up until 6:00 PM.

Sunday started with a fanatic Sunday school class followed by an equally fantastic worship service. Lunch was spent with three beautiful ladies. During lunch I vowed to give up my sacred Sunday afternoon nap for the trade off of getting more time to do somethings I need or want to do. It didn't take long to break that vow so I compromised with a shorter nap. After waking up with from said nap, Darvish and I took a walk in Lucy Park to breath in the fall colors. From there, we visited Craig.

I always find Craig in bed, with the lights turned off, and the covers over his head. He is always glad to see me especially if I have a dog. We chat about our day, what he ate for supper, and I remind him speech therapy starts tomorrow. I take a good look at him. I'm pretty sure he is wearing what he had on yesterday. The skin on his face is dry. The beard he decided to grow last year need shaping up. None of this I blame on the nursing home staff. I'm pretty sure he choose to put the same clothes. Heck, he probably slept in them. I kiss him good bye, drop Darvish off at the house, and make my way to Target.

Target is full of young families and parents shopping for. Christmas. I strike up a conversation with one couple my age over Christmas tree skirts. I smile and make silly faces at the fussy baby in front of me in the check out line. He does stop crying probably out of shock of that crazy lady making faces at him.

It's when I get out to the car that it happens, the tears. I don't mean a few "dab them away" tears. I mean full out ugly cry.  Everything caught up with me. You can only run around town and buy books that you don't need before sooner or later it catches you. I miss Craig. The one that I married. The one that Christmas shopped with me and for me. The guy who still liked Santa coming to see him even when he was 45. I miss the guy who cared about his appearance even though it drove me crazy with him  always wanting to get his hair cut and buy new shoes. I miss sitting with him with the only light in the room was our Christmas tree after the boys were in bed. I hate that stupid Huntington's has taken all of this from us.

I partly blame this picture for my weepy mood. This picture had flitted on and off my path all week.

Love the smile he has on his face. 

I would find it, pick it up, muse over it, and then stick it up somewhere. A few days later, there it would be again laying there waiting for me.  This is the picture of Craig in my head: good haircut, belt on, shirt tucked in, and probably new shoes on.

So I had my cry, ate a piece of chocolate pie, and watched my favorite show. I feel better. I will be back to my chatty self tomorrow. That's who I choose to be. I have to.  But every now and then a good cry is going to happen.

Thank you for being patient with me tonight,

Susan